When Guilt Walks With Grief: A Story I Haven’t Always Been Ready to Tell

There’s a part of my story I don’t always talk about.

Because even now—years later—it still stings. It still whispers, “What if you had just shown up differently?”

It was months before my mother died. I was 20—busy with school, life, the everyday distractions that feel massive at that age. One day, she asked me to go with her to a cardiologist appointment. She had been experiencing some symptoms that concerned her, and she wanted me there. But I didn’t go.

Not because I didn’t care.
But because I was tired. Because I was her caregiver more than I knew how to be her daughter.
Because deep down I thought she’d be okay.
Because I told myself, She can go herself. It’s not a big deal.

Four months later, she died of a massive heart attack. She never went to that cardiologist appointment.
And that moment—my absence, that missed opportunity—has become a weight I’ve carried for years.

I didn’t fully feel the weight of that decision until recently.
Not until I found myself in the doctor’s office—this time, for me.

I had been experiencing heart flutters. And for the first time in a long time, I felt scared.
Not just for myself… but for my son.
I sat there on the exam table, waiting for the doctor, and all I could think was:
Is this how she felt? Was she this afraid?

And then the guilt hit me like a wave.

I felt guilty for getting checked. Guilty for choosing care—for myself—when I hadn’t been there for her when she asked for the same.
I felt sad and small and heartbroken all over again.
Because when grief meets guilt, it’s not just sadness.
It’s a relentless loop of What ifs and If onlys.

Grief is hard enough.
But when guilt weaves its way in, it gets sticky.
It convinces you that your grief is somehow your fault.
That if you had just been a little more present, more loving, more whatever, things could have turned out differently.

I’ve spent years unraveling that belief.

Not erasing it—but learning to soften it.
To remind myself that I was 20.
That I didn’t have the tools, the insight, or the emotional bandwidth to show up in every moment perfectly.
And neither do you.

That experience is what inspired me to create the Grief & Guilt Healing Circle.
Because I know I’m not the only one who’s ever carried a heavy “what if.”
And I want you to know that whatever version of guilt you’re carrying—it’s welcome here.

Whether you canceled a visit.
Missed a phone call.
Felt relief instead of sorrow.
Or are struggling to give yourself the care you needed all along.

You are not alone.
You are not bad.
And you deserve a space to feel all of it—with gentleness.

This isn’t about fixing grief.
It’s about holding it—honestly, messily, and with compassion.

And if your guilt has felt louder than your love lately, I hope you’ll join me.

Because you don’t have to carry this alone anymore.

P.S. If this resonates with you, I invite you to explore the Grief & Guilt Healing Circle—we start May 29. You can learn more and join when you're ready at https://www.lifeafterloss.co/grief-guilt-healing-circle